Tear The World Down
by Faith Withers
Summary: Nathan sneaks out in the middle of the night. Audrey tears the world down, trying to find him. Neither of them intended for anyone to get hurt. Future!fic.
1. Blood

A/N: I don't know if this is in character, but I tried my hardest. I'm still not quite used to writing _Haven_ fan fiction since I'm always writing it for _Supernatural_, and I used to write it for _Criminal Minds_. I'm also used to writing my own characters for unpublished novels and short stories. My point being is, if it's not in character or something isn't on par with the show, let me know and I'll try to fix it for next time. Also, any grammatical errors, blatant mistakes, or erroneous spelling please tell me about. Thank you!

* * *

"I hate you for the sacrifices you made for me.  
I hate you for every time you ever bled for me.  
I hate you for the way you smile when you look at me.  
I hate you for never taking control of me.  
I hate you for always saving me from myself.  
I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else.  
I hate you for always pulling me back from the edge.  
I hate you for every kind word you ever said..."

- "Blood"

_ Blood_

In This Moment

* * *

Nathan hastily pushed away his plate of half-finished pancakes that were drizzled in Full Circle's Organic Maple Syrup. "Going to the station; be back later." He picked up his plate, walking stiffly to the sink and placing it on the counter.

"Please, sit." Blue eyes begged him to stay, and those eyes – Audrey's eyes – beseeched him for gratitude rather than hatred and disgust. "I know –"

"No, you don't! Don't you get what could happen?"

"I need to know if you think I'm right or not."

Nathan leaned against the counter from behind, hands gripping the sea-foam-colored Formica. Grinding his teeth together, it took him a moment to get the words out. "Yes, I do."

"You think it was wrong?"

Nathan's head shook once, hanging to his chest, eyes clenching shut. "No." His head no longer hung, instead his nose pointed toward Audrey. "It was the right thing to do."

"Are you so sure about that?"

"Why?" Nathan grabbed a chair, spun it around, and straddled it, propping his face in on his folded arms.

"I might've just started a war!" Audrey always hated crying, but there were definite tears in her eyes – tears she was trying to hold back. Audrey didn't cry; she had to tell herself that repeatedly because crying was a form of weakness. What she didn't know was people only cried when they'd been strong for too long.

"You didn't. The war had already started; The Chief knew that."

"How can you be so sure?"

Nathan gently smiled. "Since when is Audrey Parker unsure of herself?"

She breathed out a laugh. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know you." Nathan's hand found hers.

"Because you know me?"

"I can feel you." He stroked her skin.

Audrey cringed.

Nathan's left eyebrow twitched in confusion. "What's wrong?"

"You mean besides everything?"

"I'll ask again: what's wrong?"

"Is that the only reason why?"

Nathan flinched. "What?"

"Is that the only reason why you're asking?"

Nathan furrowed his brow. "Course not. Audrey, I –"

"Is the only reason why you care because you can feel me?" Standing abruptly from the table, she walked to the door and grabbed her coat. "I'm going to the station; I have work to do."

"Don't run." Begging would get him nowhere.

Audrey buttoned her coat. "Who's running?"

"Sit. We'll figure it out… together."

"Now look who's playing Audrey."

"Not trying to be you – just need you listening." Nathan stood from the chair, stepping toward her.

"I'll see you when I get back."

Nathan nodded and watched her go.


	2. Sleep Well, My Angel

AN: Okay, so, go listen to "Sleep Well, My Angel" from We Are The Fallen. It's a beautiful song, and it fits extremely well in this chapter.

AN2: This is my first lengthy Haven fan fiction, so I don't know whether I've gotten the characters down or not. If there's anything you think I need to fix, please tell me. Or, if you like the story, tell me that, too! I can't keep doing something right or fix what I'm doing wrong if people don't tell me. Anyway, read on.

* * *

Luminance peeked in through the closed shades from the parking lot. Everything was still, near silence, except for the rise and fall of Audrey's chest and the sound of her breath. Somehow, she'd been able to fall asleep. Her back was to Nathan, but that didn't stop him from watching her – thought bubbles grazing the inside of his forehead, but too abstract to form coherency. Instead, he lay there, too fond of sensations he beheld when playing with her straw-colored hair. If only she'd roll over, look at him with those big blue eyes, tell him everything would be alright, okay, fine.

And when a lucid notion swept through, he couldn't help but hear The Chief in his brain, saying, _"Nathan, she's too important to be falling in love with you like this. She's too important. Now, you do the right thing, 'cause Haven needs her more than you do."_

Nathan felt the child in him – or what was left of it – figuratively grapple onto Audrey harder. _"Dad, what d'you know?"_ Even his voice had changed, weakened, shrunken into a wavering, scared thing. _"What d'you know, Dad?"_

_"I know you don't think I know much of anything, but I've handled Haven's troubles twice in my life, and we needed her the first time, and it's not up to you to change the course of history."_

Nathan stopped playing with Audrey's hair, instead turning onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. _"She's my shadow. She's supposed to be wherever I am."_

He got out of bed, beginning to pace the room. He couldn't remember the last time he had this much energy – like he was jumping out of a skin he couldn't feel. How could he feel energy when he couldn't even feel the sun? How could he ever know when the sun was too bright or his coffee was too hot without Audrey telling him? He'd lived in danger for so long, not caring for himself the way she could – the way nobody else had ever tried – and then he was getting out of bed; then he was getting dressed, pulling on a short-sleeved flannel, jeans, and buckling a belt; then he was grabbing his gun from the bedside table.

_"What about what _she_ needs?" _There was the child in him again – a voice Nathan felt needed to be choked down. He took one look at Audrey, safe in her dreams where she hopefully dreamt about kitten whiskers and puppy-dog tails rather than Haven's travesties, and he hastily snatched a notebook from an end table, and a pen from a cup on the half-wall. _"Dad, what should I say?"_

Nathan looked up while stooping over the table, as if he'd see The Chief gazing at him expectantly. All that was there were a pair of closed blinds, cord dangling to the floor, light shining through the near-broken things after the burglar breaking in and trashing the place. But, all Nathan could say was 'I'm sorry,' so he scribbled that down in big letters.

The stove's LED display read 4 A.M. He needed to get out of there before she woke up to begin making her morning coffee. Neither of them had been sleeping lately, and that moment was proof. Nathan grabbed a suitcase from the closet and began to shove clothes into it. He grabbed his toothbrush from the bathroom – other things he could get on the road.

Finally, he pulled open the bottom drawer of her dresser – _his_ drawer – and retrieved the plastic container of cupcakes he'd bought when she was out the night before. He placed it carefully and quietly beside his note on the table, and then left with his suitcase, not even bothering to tie his shoes.


	3. Carousel

A/N: Okay, sorry this took so long. I actually wrote it in one sitting, but I just started my second year of college, so things are kind of crazy! Anyway, go listen to "Carousel" from Vanessa Carlton off her _Rabbits on the Run_ album. Great tune -very haunting, and I think it fits pretty well. Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

She was dreaming - had to be. When she awoke - or, at least, when she'd _thought_ she'd awoken - there had been something wrong. There was no questioning that. Except, as she stared at the cupcakes, stared at little scribbles on a piece of paper, nothing made sense. Utter confusion snapped its fingers in her face, trying to get her to blink. She couldn't. Wouldn't.

Vince was gone.

Dave was gone.

Duke - she couldn't even _bear_ to think about him.

And now this? Now the one person she thought she could rely on - no, she couldn't bear it. Audrey never used to rely on anyone, and she was still Audrey. She was still herself. She didn't cry. Crying wasn't allowed - ever, no matter the situation.

Thinking this, she realized it was unlike Nathan to run. No matter how quiet or reserved, he was still a lover and a fighter. He wouldn't, couldn't run - not _her_ Nathan, not even if he wanted to. He was like her in that respect.

_Maybe it's a mistake_. That was her next thought. _Or maybe..._ No, the thought that came after that was too hard, but it was possible. It could be like Christmas in July again, but with cupcakes. _Or - or somebody kidnapped him and forced him to write this message_. But, that didn't make any sense either. Nathan had to have gone on his own accord. The main question was _why? What's going through your head, Nathan?Why would you leave this mess behind? Plus, you know cupcakes aren't going to make this any better. You _know _cupcakes are just going to make me hate cupcakes. _

Her phone buzzed on the table, lighting up and shaking the surface. She dove for it only to find it was for the presidential election. _Right, like I have any time to think about _that _right now. _But, still, feeling the table vibrating against her thighs was giving her an idea - a simple idea, but it was still an idea. A notion. Something she could do to stave off her growing nausea.

She hastily dialed Nathan's cell phone number. Her mouth was dry, and somehow she knew she was imagining a sickeningly sweet, noisome smell, as if the cupcakes were burning and their icing was melting into the table. It was only the sense of distress, however, that caused this fantasy. Pressing the phone to her ear and squeezing it until her hand ached, she listened for her boyfriend who she prayed hadn't become an ex overnight.

Rrrrrrrrring...

Rrrrrrrrring...

Rrrrrrrrring...

No Nathan. No Nathan anywhere.

_I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry._

Instead of the skies in her blue eyes raining, she picked up the cupcakes and went to the sink. She turned on the faucet, flicked the switch to the garbage disposal, opened the container of cupcakes, and began to peel the goods from their safety blankets. Feeding them to the metal contraption, which hissed, gurgled, grunted, and whined while choking down the cakes, she was standing with her blond hair disheveled, face twisting in contempt.

_I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry._

After the cupcakes were disposed of, she returned to the wooden eating table she'd picked off the side of the road. It was a beaten up piece of furniture - dents in the legs, cracks in the wood, screws and nails popping out everywhere, and it even seemed to slant one way or another, but that might have been the old floor in the attic apartment. She even swore one of the table's ends was narrower than the other. It was a piece of junk, but every piece of junk needed love, and she was the one to love it. At that moment she could identify with that piece of furniture: _Hi, my name is Audrey and I'm a broken-down dining room table; will you please love me? _She scoffed at that, picked up her phone, and dialed Nathan's number again.

Rrrrrrring.

_I will not cry._

Rrrrrrring.

_I will not cry._

Rrrrrrrrring. Rrrrrrrrring. Rrrrrrrring.

_Damn it. I will not cry. I will not cry. I WILL NOT CRY. _

Audrey slumped to the floor and began to cry about everything - not just about Nathan, but about losing her sense of self and having nobody there to tell her who she was, who she ought to be. That was usually Nathan's job. He always said he knew who she was, and all those times he thought she didn't believe him, she really did, and she needed that now. _Who am I without you here to tell me who I am? I don't know anymore. Why do I have somebody else's memories? Am I Lucy Ripley? Am I Audrey Parker? Am I neither? Who am I? Nathan, why aren't you here to tell me who I am? Why aren't you here, period, exclamation point? Why won't you answer your phone? Why?_


End file.
